Forever...Til Death Do Us Part
Marriage
I've had my ups and downs with the thought or 'idea' of marriage and its been on my mind even more lately... with line sisters getting married and more and more of my friends and people around me heading in that direction. On yesterday I had a conversation with a really good friend of mine and it really brought up questions to me on how I feel about marriage or what it means to me, rather.
My parents met in the 7th grade and became 'boyfriend & girlfriend' and continued on until high school and 2 kids later got married, had my little brother and wallah... we had our nice happy family. I witnessed a lot of highs in my parents marriage but honestly even more lows... by the time my parents divorced I had decided I never wanted to get married.. I felt like 'whats the point?' if people are going to do what they want to do anyway, might as well be single. So I got a little older, had a couple of relationships of my own and frequently daydreamed about what those days would be like for me. That I would have met and decided to marry the love of my life and commit to being with them FOREVER and make that vow in front of family and friends. I had it all planned out too... I just knew by this age, I'd be married with 2-3 children living my dream...Note I said marriage and not wedding at the beginning of this post - the day in itself is not the issue, but everyday after that day... planning a life with someone that you intend (key word here) to share for the remainder of your days on Earth.
Right now I'm kind of in the gray area in between the two... or lets say I'm up in the air/on the fence about what I want. I know people on both sides of the spectrum: people that say they never want to get married and are perfectly fine with that and others, that, well lets just say they already have their colors and bridal party picked out without even having a real candidate in mind or in life for all that matters... Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the idea of marriage and what it stands for... I just want the honor, respect, meaningfulness (is that a real word, lol - I think it is. ) and dignity of marriage to be restored. I know that when vows are taken it doesn't mean that you are making a vow to never make a mistake but is it wrong to want people to try? Makes me ask the question - what exactly are people committing to when they get married? Today people worry so much about DEFINING marriage as between a man or woman when the institute of marriage has been totally diluted regardless of the sex. I'm not saying good marriages don't exist but the examples around me are so few and far in between. What's important (in my humble opinion) is that marriage is a union between two people that genuinely love each other and cant imagine living life without the other, they complement each other, and 'fit', want to take this journey called 'life' together.
The friend I talked to yesterday admitted to me that they had an affair with someone outside of their marriage - you would have thought I was the wife when the tears welled up in my eyes- I explained to him how disappointed I was and I REALLY was - I think I was also hurt because of what it represented. A friend I consider a good man and a great husband (well jury is out on that one now) that I watched cherish his wife, love honor and respect her step outside of his vow and covenant with his WIFE and GOD because someone else befriended him and understood and accepted him better than his own wife.(<<<his words not mine) Makes me wonder if some people in my generation are getting married because 'its the thing to do', 'everybody's doing it' and we been together so long, might as well... that's not cute... If more time was spent getting to know someone, their ins and outs, nooks and crannies, and they can still love and adore you and not judge you then I think people can make better decisions. Not saying that everything will be perfect in any relationship or marriage, just how do you commit your FOREVER to someone that doesn't know or understand you and allow you to be you? He literally told me... there are parts of me I cant express with my wife because she doesnt 'get it' or wont understand and I can be just open with this other person...I'm like REALLY? Makes me wonder what the decision was based on and whats the criteria to be wifey now-a-days.....Whew...that's all just scary...
I just pray that when, shoot, even IF I get to that point and I'm in a loving relationship and I am considering spending my life with someone, it has to be someone that I know, that knows me - inside and out, that I love and cherish, respect, believe in, and know that I can be completely open and vulnerable with that will not judge me but be there for me, love ME flaws and all, that complements me and pushes me to reach my full potential, that sees things in me that I don't even see in myself and pull/push them out of me... someone that wants the things out of life that I want... someone that supports me when things are right and someone that is bold enough to tell me when they don't think 'xyz' is such a good idea or I need to sit down, and calm down. <<<<yes, all of that is good too, if I wanted someone to go along with everything I said, I'd date my reflection :) and I pray to be able to be the same thing for that person too...
I know I had a point and it got lost in there somewhere... so this post might be continued later, lol... but in a nutshell, I do believe in marriage and what it stands for...will I ever get there? who knows? Maybe it will take that right somebody to make me believe again and give me hope or maybe just over time seeing more SUCCESSFUL marriages I'd decide to pick a side and not straddle the fence... guess I'll just have to wait and see but right now... I'm just working on me and enjoying all that life has to offer.
I've had my ups and downs with the thought or 'idea' of marriage and its been on my mind even more lately... with line sisters getting married and more and more of my friends and people around me heading in that direction. On yesterday I had a conversation with a really good friend of mine and it really brought up questions to me on how I feel about marriage or what it means to me, rather.
My parents met in the 7th grade and became 'boyfriend & girlfriend' and continued on until high school and 2 kids later got married, had my little brother and wallah... we had our nice happy family. I witnessed a lot of highs in my parents marriage but honestly even more lows... by the time my parents divorced I had decided I never wanted to get married.. I felt like 'whats the point?' if people are going to do what they want to do anyway, might as well be single. So I got a little older, had a couple of relationships of my own and frequently daydreamed about what those days would be like for me. That I would have met and decided to marry the love of my life and commit to being with them FOREVER and make that vow in front of family and friends. I had it all planned out too... I just knew by this age, I'd be married with 2-3 children living my dream...Note I said marriage and not wedding at the beginning of this post - the day in itself is not the issue, but everyday after that day... planning a life with someone that you intend (key word here) to share for the remainder of your days on Earth.
Right now I'm kind of in the gray area in between the two... or lets say I'm up in the air/on the fence about what I want. I know people on both sides of the spectrum: people that say they never want to get married and are perfectly fine with that and others, that, well lets just say they already have their colors and bridal party picked out without even having a real candidate in mind or in life for all that matters... Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the idea of marriage and what it stands for... I just want the honor, respect, meaningfulness (is that a real word, lol - I think it is. ) and dignity of marriage to be restored. I know that when vows are taken it doesn't mean that you are making a vow to never make a mistake but is it wrong to want people to try? Makes me ask the question - what exactly are people committing to when they get married? Today people worry so much about DEFINING marriage as between a man or woman when the institute of marriage has been totally diluted regardless of the sex. I'm not saying good marriages don't exist but the examples around me are so few and far in between. What's important (in my humble opinion) is that marriage is a union between two people that genuinely love each other and cant imagine living life without the other, they complement each other, and 'fit', want to take this journey called 'life' together.
The friend I talked to yesterday admitted to me that they had an affair with someone outside of their marriage - you would have thought I was the wife when the tears welled up in my eyes- I explained to him how disappointed I was and I REALLY was - I think I was also hurt because of what it represented. A friend I consider a good man and a great husband (well jury is out on that one now) that I watched cherish his wife, love honor and respect her step outside of his vow and covenant with his WIFE and GOD because someone else befriended him and understood and accepted him better than his own wife.(<<<his words not mine) Makes me wonder if some people in my generation are getting married because 'its the thing to do', 'everybody's doing it' and we been together so long, might as well... that's not cute... If more time was spent getting to know someone, their ins and outs, nooks and crannies, and they can still love and adore you and not judge you then I think people can make better decisions. Not saying that everything will be perfect in any relationship or marriage, just how do you commit your FOREVER to someone that doesn't know or understand you and allow you to be you? He literally told me... there are parts of me I cant express with my wife because she doesnt 'get it' or wont understand and I can be just open with this other person...I'm like REALLY? Makes me wonder what the decision was based on and whats the criteria to be wifey now-a-days.....Whew...that's all just scary...
I just pray that when, shoot, even IF I get to that point and I'm in a loving relationship and I am considering spending my life with someone, it has to be someone that I know, that knows me - inside and out, that I love and cherish, respect, believe in, and know that I can be completely open and vulnerable with that will not judge me but be there for me, love ME flaws and all, that complements me and pushes me to reach my full potential, that sees things in me that I don't even see in myself and pull/push them out of me... someone that wants the things out of life that I want... someone that supports me when things are right and someone that is bold enough to tell me when they don't think 'xyz' is such a good idea or I need to sit down, and calm down. <<<<yes, all of that is good too, if I wanted someone to go along with everything I said, I'd date my reflection :) and I pray to be able to be the same thing for that person too...
I know I had a point and it got lost in there somewhere... so this post might be continued later, lol... but in a nutshell, I do believe in marriage and what it stands for...will I ever get there? who knows? Maybe it will take that right somebody to make me believe again and give me hope or maybe just over time seeing more SUCCESSFUL marriages I'd decide to pick a side and not straddle the fence... guess I'll just have to wait and see but right now... I'm just working on me and enjoying all that life has to offer.
UMPH!!! Mo you said a mouthfull on this blog!!! For the sake of time and me being at work, I will keep my post short and to the point...I don't think your views are wrong at all. I actually feel the same way you do. Although I know who my wife is *side eye* and that I am to get married, I have doubts about it because like you, the examples of marriages are NOT good at all. Honestly, it makes people not want to be married and deal with any of that. Tyler Perry said it best "I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF". In my opinion, people get married to certain individuals to have a "trophy wife" or "trophy husband", to have someone help them fit into a certain "status" in life, because we've been together long enough (like you said), because we have a kid so we might as well get married, because he/she is able to stimulate me sexually. Notice all I said was "sexually" because now a days that's all people want is just that. Relationship or commitment is too much of a RESPONSIBILITY which grownups RUN FROM. It's sad that marriage has been tainted, because of bad real life examples and bad examples people see on tv. Once you being to see a certain marriage on tv, it becomes something you play over and over again and you begin to create that image in your head, forgetting that what you're looking at is FAKE and NOT REALITY...we need to come back to REALITY and off Mars. We need to stop being ignorant about marriage and do research on it. We need to let go of pride and go to marriage counselors before marriage to make sure that the decision that's being made is the right one. One thing people fail to do when going into a "relationship" is that they jump right into a relationship and fail to build and establish a friendship, which I believe is the foundation to a relationship. Because when the looks, sexual drive or desire, hearing, vision etc are gone, you still have that confidence that I still have a friend to turn to who will love me inspite of. So yeah, some people do get married for the wrong reasons. There are people who get married because the "church" told them that's the way...but that's a whole different topic...HAHAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteWow Kenny...really? I guess you really had something to say. I agree with mostly everything you said and I so feel you on your comment that frienship needs to be in the midst of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteWELL...someone who finally get it!!! You and Kenny are on point and have made valid points on what marriage should really be. You should be able to be you and still be as one with another. Honesty, faith, friendship and love....somewhat in that order is what a GOOD marriage should consist of. Great blog.....I'm loving life too with or without it!!
ReplyDelete