The Father Factor: Mo's Version
When I was little, I thought my daddy was the KING! I mean, he was the man... he was powerful, something like a superhero, he took care of his family and he could make things happen that would make me say 'WOW' and make me think, "How did he do that?"...my dad could do no wrong and I thought he had magic powers... As I grew up, the more I learned about my father I realized that although he was a great father to me and my brothers he wasn't always the best man or husband to my mother but, nevertheless, I cant deny the impact my fathers presence had on my life - both positive and negative.
Now, as a mother, each day I'm faced with the issue of the occasional presence and frequent absence that my daughters father has in her life and it makes my heart ache...seriously. Like my chest gets tight, and I can barely breathe sometimes because I'm overcome with emotion. *oh goodness, I can feel my eyes welling up as I type* As her mother, I feel responsible for the choice I made in choosing her father and so many times I feel like I failed her. Like I said before, although my dad wasn't always 'taking care of business' I have a good relationship with him, we can talk about just about anything and I've gotten to experience being 'Daddy's Little Girl' - shoot I'm his only girl and I still feel special around my daddy and I feel like my daughter won't ever get the chance to experience that and I cant help but feel responsible for the poor choices I've made. Now don't get me wrong, I know he isn't without fault but I cant change him, all I can do is worry about me.
Conversations and visits with my daughters father are random and sporadic...there's no real consistency and I can tell that she's getting to the point where she just doesn't care anymore. If he calls and she misses the call and I ask if she wants to call back, she's like nah... because they don't have a relationship. He doesn't know how to talk to her...and granted lately he's been trying...but she's 8 and so much time has passed. He just doesn't even know her. He couldn't drive to her school without having to ask me the name of her school and then looking up directions, he doesn't know her favorite foods or that she prefers mayo over mustard on her sandwich, or her favorite TV show, or that she likes Pretzel M&M's and has Beiber Fever.
It hurts me to think that I'm there when they have Mom's & Muffins, but no one is there with her when they have Dads & Donuts at her school, I cry when I think about her not having a genuine bond with her father, and worry about her perception of the role he plays in her life or lack thereof. I shudder when I read the statistics about girls without fathers in their lives (even though some of it is just numbers to me, cause I clearly defied the odds) but still the hate that 'statistics say' she has an increased likely hood of promiscuity, failed relationships, poor decisions when dating, lack of self worth, etc. (Father Factor Article) So I try really hard to make sure she knows she's loved, smart, and beautiful. And although I strive to give her the world, the one thing I wish I could give her the most, I cant... and that hurts. *Sigh*
Thankfully, I have wonderful male figures in my life that step in and step up and are there for my daughter no matter what and I truly appreciate them for that. My brothers have been there from Day 1 and I love them so much for the active role they have played in my daughter's life. I'm equally proud of them for being there for their own children as well. I applaud them for being available in their children's lives and supporting their families and just being the men my mom and dad raised them to be (kinda, lol). For every mother that has a man/father there willing to be active and involved in their children's lives; be appreciative, support his efforts and be grateful that you have one less battle to fight. Cause this fight is not fair and the children are usually always on the losing end....
I pray constantly for him, to be who God wants him to be, to step up and be present in all of his childrens' lives... I pray for my daughter that the effect his absence is minimal, I pray that one day she experiences the true love and protection of a father, and I pray for all the other mothers going through struggles similar to mine...and I pray for the day that every TV show, or picture or dad and child walking through the store doesn't bring a tear to my eye thinking about what my daughter may be missing.... one day....
~Mo~
Conversations and visits with my daughters father are random and sporadic...there's no real consistency and I can tell that she's getting to the point where she just doesn't care anymore. If he calls and she misses the call and I ask if she wants to call back, she's like nah... because they don't have a relationship. He doesn't know how to talk to her...and granted lately he's been trying...but she's 8 and so much time has passed. He just doesn't even know her. He couldn't drive to her school without having to ask me the name of her school and then looking up directions, he doesn't know her favorite foods or that she prefers mayo over mustard on her sandwich, or her favorite TV show, or that she likes Pretzel M&M's and has Beiber Fever.
It hurts me to think that I'm there when they have Mom's & Muffins, but no one is there with her when they have Dads & Donuts at her school, I cry when I think about her not having a genuine bond with her father, and worry about her perception of the role he plays in her life or lack thereof. I shudder when I read the statistics about girls without fathers in their lives (even though some of it is just numbers to me, cause I clearly defied the odds) but still the hate that 'statistics say' she has an increased likely hood of promiscuity, failed relationships, poor decisions when dating, lack of self worth, etc. (Father Factor Article) So I try really hard to make sure she knows she's loved, smart, and beautiful. And although I strive to give her the world, the one thing I wish I could give her the most, I cant... and that hurts. *Sigh*
Thankfully, I have wonderful male figures in my life that step in and step up and are there for my daughter no matter what and I truly appreciate them for that. My brothers have been there from Day 1 and I love them so much for the active role they have played in my daughter's life. I'm equally proud of them for being there for their own children as well. I applaud them for being available in their children's lives and supporting their families and just being the men my mom and dad raised them to be (kinda, lol). For every mother that has a man/father there willing to be active and involved in their children's lives; be appreciative, support his efforts and be grateful that you have one less battle to fight. Cause this fight is not fair and the children are usually always on the losing end....
I pray constantly for him, to be who God wants him to be, to step up and be present in all of his childrens' lives... I pray for my daughter that the effect his absence is minimal, I pray that one day she experiences the true love and protection of a father, and I pray for all the other mothers going through struggles similar to mine...and I pray for the day that every TV show, or picture or dad and child walking through the store doesn't bring a tear to my eye thinking about what my daughter may be missing.... one day....
~Mo~
Well mo I feel like its a vicious cycle, my father wasn't apart of my life and now my sons father isn't apart of his. I've never had the experience of being a daddys girl and at times I feel I have a complex about men because of the abscence of my father. Although I try to do the best I can raising my son there are just some things I feel a mother can't teach a son for instance peeing standing up lol. When my son has basketball games and the other kids fathers are present he has a certain look on his face and that just kills me. I just can't comprehend how you can have a child and not want to be a part of its life. I would like to commend all the fathers who actually play a role in their childrens lives
ReplyDeleteAlicia...thanks for your comment. I agree that its a terrible cycle and many of OUR men are not active in their childrens lives as they should be. Thanks for being honest about the effect your fathers absence has had on you...you're right that women cant teach boys how to be men, but we can try our best to teach them to be productive citizens and hopefully through that they learn how a man should be. Girl i dont understand it either... this child is your flesh and blood, a miracle of life that God allowed you the privilege to create - some people just take it for granted. Thanks for your post!
ReplyDelete"women cant teach boys how to be men, but we can try our best to teach them to be productive citizens and hopefully through that they learn how a man should be." These are my thoughts exactly! Although Tony's dad has stepped up so much more recently (I am proud of him and Tony is really enjoying it!), I know that God will provide me/ other single parents with the wisdom to be the example to our children that another person is not present to do. Many successful, loving, smart men and women have came from single parent homes. While I am not the physical example of a man, I can be the example of a responsible, loving person, and that to me (by God's grace) will be enough for my son to make the best decisions in his own life...
ReplyDeleteStefanie, I'm really glad to hear that Tony's dad is stepping up and being more active in his son's life. That's great to hear. Yes God will always give us what we need and most of what we want. I agree that I am partially a product of a single parent home and not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm doing pretty darn good. :) Thanks for posting!
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